Unraveling

The older I seem to get the more I have noticed that I am in good company, especially when I am alone.

We are all so different. That is such an anomaly to me at this transformative time in my life. My history of sameness was cultural, and not causing a ruckus was the goal. Safety in numbers I suppose. Growing up in a large family, the youngest in a troop of six kids, a gazillion nieces, nephews, aunties, uncles, partners and such, we had quite a throbbing lot of deep familial sameness. We came from that space, all of us. But we were not the same.

The past few years I've re-birthed myself in a way, raised my family, refeathered my empty nest, I have discovered that although I love and cherish each and every one of my "people".. I am not them and they are not me. WE are not collective or carbon copies of each other. We are all beautifully unique and incredible individuals. Who knew?!!

Coming from New England.. Maine specifically. We locals are "a rigid and stuffy lot" some might say. Ha! It's not always easy to break in to the tribes that have lived here forever and whose roots run deep below the ledges of the islands in my midcoast home town. We run thick with family ties, deep connection and generations of tough love and belonging. But we still are not all the same. Even when we belong.

Personally, I have always felt different from the whole. Not in any special kind of way, or not the milk man of olds bastard child, but just different. Unique maybe?  That seems like a better word. "Different" used to feel like something that you should avoid, something that you wanted nothing to do with. Don't call attention to yourself, unless you are called to attention.. Now, that's a whole other blog post. Lol.

Today approaching 50 I want nothing more then to be different. Separate. Unhinged. Independent of whatever it is that keeps me the same as..  Set apart. Myself. Understood. Heard. Sounds like I want a divorce! Ha.. Hardly.. But it might feel like that to my patient 30 year husband that has been helping me sort this all out for the last couple of years since all three boys flew the coop.

It has been a process. One that I have found is easier said then done, especially when you weren't even a whole self right from the beginning, and when you have been woven deeply into an enmeshed and intricate design of a life already lived, it gets tricky.

So in this, I am finding that sometimes I pull hard on an old thread from one direction and it tightens in the opposite.. unraveling in all of the wrong ways and I am left with a bound up mess that leaves me frustrated and angry. Other times it slips out ever so gently with no effort at all and is a welcome relief.

A simple analogy I guess... one most can relate to in some way or other at some time in their lives.  I don't want to unravel completely, that would be scary and is not my intention here. But what I do know is that I have to listen to that deeply forged desire within me. That still small voice that tugs at my heart and the more I am in my own company I find I'm getting glimpses of her.

In the silence and breath of the morning, she rises and stands all by herself, raising her hand and says. Me Too!

In Love~ Denice

For Every Time There Is A Season

 

It'll be twenty years this April that I've walked this same stretch of road near our home in Harpswell, Maine. Twenty years! That is crazy to even comprehend, but true none the less. I'm only twenty years old aren't I? Lol.. Not quite.

Spring is approaching and a little sooner this year then years past. We are open and welcoming to the simple signs of it as they give us hope and perseverance for the long few weeks ahead that seem to drag when you are waiting to shed jackets, boots and all of the layers that seem to carry more weight then warmth right about now.

Today walking down this same stretch has felt a little more melancholy. I thought about how much life has changed since the loud plastic police bikes, wagons, scooters and skateboards used to litter the road, driveway and garage at our house. Rambunctious screams from the backyard that you could discern between blood drawing or non emergent just by the sound, not even needing to look up from your task at hand knowing that was the life of boys and this was my life too.

Walking down the road was something we always did as a family. After dinner, just to talk, walk the critters or just to breath, it was a time to connect no matter what the season. In the spring though with the boys, it was always a magical time. Noticing the simple pips of bulbs that returned year after year, pussy willows at the gate or at "The McKinnon's" house. Snow melt water rushing toward the ocean, discovering the gifts that winter left on the ledges, huge stumps, old bouys, walking sticks and random debris that could undoubtably be turned into something, or so we imagined at the time.

Our family has shifted and changed so much over these last couple of years. The boys have grown up, have moved away and on into their perspective lives and other pieces have fallen into place into ours. New friends and experiences have filled in some of the gaps of where life used to be in our dailiness, but there is still a space, an empty part that I'm trying to figure out how to fill. Having our family so young and close together was wonderful and full of life with lots of activity and volume. In the midst of it all and in the hurriedness they flourished and grew. I never thought about how quiet it would be once they all moved on.

Everyone that has an empty nest tells me that, "they come back".. well, I'm thinking about that and it could be so, but with boys I think it's a little bit different, at least in our home. I have no doubt that they will visit, and return in different ways over the course of their lives and I look forward to what each of them will discover and do within all of their own paths.. but it will never be what it was again and that I've found is the bitter sweet part of parenting I'm afraid.

I am excited about this next phase of our life. Rediscovering myself at this age, a renewal of love with the landscape artist that I live with. Camping trips, adventures, entertaining and serving my community in new ways. I've even begun to use cloth napkins! Some days I do have to refrain from adding new puppies or more busyness to my life to fill up some of the quiet, but overall it just takes a little getting used to.

There is a time for everything I'm learning and spring is a time full of new beginnings, growth, more light and new life. This year I think I'll take a lot more walks, maybe hike a new trail instead. Embrace this time to be creative and rediscovering a whole other side of life will be kind of exciting and I'm anxious to see where this new path will lead.