Being Transparent...

This week has been a week.. To all that is good, holy, solid and full of incredible amounts of depth and grace I pray!
I really don't even have words to tell you the truth. I am feeling EVERYTHING in ways that I have never felt before. Even as I write these words my physical and emotional response in mind, body and spirit are struggling to wrap themselves around something that I truly don't think can be attained just now. I think what can be attained right now, for me personally, is to just feel it all and hold fast, pause... in doing that it makes me super uncomfortable but what I am noticing is that being uncomfortable is part of all of this too.

I am holding a spiritual space for the state and health of our world, country and humanity. Holding space in prayer, by listening deeply, by creating a safe place for anyone to share or process their own feelings. Being a vessel for others, feeling compassion and witnessing where they are at with true empathy, not with words, talking, advice, guidance or fix it plans, this can get really heavy but I feel it is just as important as what is happening on the front lines in our world right now. People need and want to be heard and seen, and we need to see, listen and acknowledge their pain at every level. We can all do that. This is where I will begin by being transparent and vulnerable.
There is so much grief, fear, despair, anger, violence and anguish surrounding everyone that the vibrations of our entire world are shifting. I don't mean that in a loopy wild hippie kind of way, I mean that in the most authentic and truest witness of all that is encircling us, it is palpable.

Many of you know me personally, some as an acquaintance, some from wherever our paths have crossed, maybe some of you are reading this for the first time and want to know more about this lady, maybe some could care less and that is all good, but however this lands and whomever is wanting to know more, this is my clear and present self, transparent and vulnerable, an offering of sorts. I'm going to trust my intuition today. Bare with me, I am treading water too.

I am a woman. A person of deep organized and holistic faith. I am a teacher and guide for others with their mind body and spiritual wellness. I am an herbalist. I am a writer. I am a healer. I am a maker. I am a partner, mother, daughter, sister, neighbor and friend, a native Mainer. I am a 20 year veteran Navy wife. I am an "A Unit" to my husband's law enforcement family, dispatchers, brothers and sisters in blue and just this week, a mother of a brand new law enforcement officer/sheriff deputy.

There are no colors in any of these roles, identities or labels if you will, but the later one makes my whole self surge in its entirety with fight or flight response for love and concern of my own tribe and family. What a time to begin I thought as my son drove into the fire, following in his father's footsteps and the desire of his heart. Yes, I thought again.. what a perfect time to begin. He will be the new standard, the new foundation we are all crying for, taking all that is good, in the midst of witnessing all that is intolerable, tragic and archaic, learn a better way and bring it home to our communities. This is my prayer.

I don't do drama. I hate gossip and I try very hard to not run with the nuttiness, talk without action and I do my best to hold fast when everything around me is out of my control, I am a pretty simple person, but I too want to be heard and seen. Witnessed. Acknowledged. Not in the social media circus kind of way or big, loud extremism. I want to be seen in how I navigate this shit storm with what we have left after each day, as a family, a community, small business and after every 10,12 & 14 hour shift is done all while holding fast to what we value as families, as a state, country, world once this war torn time is behind us. I want to be seen in how we will begin to heal each other.

How will I begin? Today it will be in my silence, in my prayer, in my invisible action. I believe that sometimes my inaction, not to be mistook as apathy creates a safe space and balance for others. Those others numbed by their essential duties, those others that have to go back into the fire everyday.
I couldn't do what they do, in the front lines on that level, but by being here and "not going there" I create a pause and place that is not angry, hostile or grief laden but one that steady, healing, supportive and full of love. I believe that is essential.
I am a privileged white woman from a small town and island on the coast of Maine, but I am an anchor in this storm. I am breathing kindness and I am love in action. I am here, I am listening and I see you too.

"and the greatest of these is love..."
Always,
Denice

Be A Positive Force

Last night I gathered with a small study group that started or should I say evolved over the last six months. It's a wonderful clutch of women that share their experiences, involvement in community and spiritual journeys on a weekly basis.

I say it evolved mainly because I didn't set out on my own to host or create it, it just happened. The parts of my life that reveal themselves in this way I always try to lift to a higher power then myself and know that if it all opens up and most things just kind of click along it is divinely created and meant to be. Therefore, I try to get out of the way and just create the space needed for whatever is supposed to unfold within all of it.

Our discussion last night was prompted by a small portion of a book that we've all been reading. Beneath the topic of discussion was a noticeable concern that came up and was politically charged due to the obvious campaign circus that lie blatantly before all of us.

The first comments shared boiled down to complete discouragement, disbelief, frustration, anger, fear and helplessness. On so many levels you really couldn't resolve, guide or comfort anyone with the reality that each of us have found ourselves in. After much selective ranting and finding that we were all of the same mind we stopped. We decided not to go there and to relate somehow back to what we had been reading to what we were experiencing and thought unanimously to seek a better way and to reach for higher ground.

The book that we are reading is a parish wide small group book study by Matthew Kelly. Our pastor thought it would be a wonderful devotional and spiritual boost for our Lenten journey and provided books for everyone. The grace that came from our shared experience last night felt like one that should be shared on a bigger scale no matter what faith base you've been planted in.

Here are a few pieces of where we went with that grace.

"Rejoice always, pray constantly, give thanks in all circumstances." Thes 5 16-18

~ God is always at our side to help us make the best decisions
~What are you most grateful for today?

This stopped the fear, anger and any other entourage of thoughts to a screeching halt and gave us "pause".. Gratitude does that. Gratitude gains you the prospective to create that pause in the middle of the flurried funnel of despair that can consume us when we feel out of control. Gratitude for the simplest things and once you begin to follow that trek of thought you begin to see things with a bit more light, a shred of hope and begin to trust that this isn't up to us all by ourselves and to let go a bit.

Another piece that worked it's way in was...

"A joyful heart is good medicine." Proverbs 17:22
~There is nothing like the joy that God wants to fill our hearts with.
~Who or what is robbing you of your joy today?

Again, this gave us hope for the journey. Another tool, another place to pause and gather up our strength and courage to not feel defeated but to feel challenged instead. Challenged to stare fear, anxiety, panic and defeat right in the eye and.... Smile! Laugh! Be Kind! Help Someone! Turn off our phones, social media, news and drama binging and sit with a real person for an hour. Sing! Dance! Be Foolish and Silly.. relax!! 

After some processing this morning and mucking about in all of the pieces that made our evening conversations passionate and lively, I came up with a few certainties to embrace in these uncertain times. Certainties that if applied daily could change your life and even others around you that you didn't even know were watching.

Be a light in the darkness. Be a positive force in the world. Remember that negative thinking empowers the problem and if we embrace joy in its truest form~ LOVE. We have all won the race.

Can I get an Amen!

"I love you too, Mom"

Last week I woke up early like I usually do and grabbed my phone from the night stand, gathered all of the magazines and books that I fell asleep with in hope that I would read them in the five minutes I was awake after laying down in my cozy bed.

Hubby sound asleep beside me after coming to bed at three a.m after his shift I quietly tuck in the room darkening shade, gathering my pile of clothes for the day that I set aside at night so I don't have to wake him once I leave the room. This has all become my routine as I close the door, white noise machine lulling in the back ground and the pup, cat and myself head downstairs for their long awaited breakfast and my fresh pot of hot coffee.

After setting down my books, clothes and whatever else I grabbed in the dark I turned to the side table to plug my phone into the charger. Turning the phone on to check for messages there is one. A response from the night before that went right through my heart and brought me to tears. 

"I love you too, Mom". 

Since the boys have grown up, left home for work and adventure along with going off to college this means of communication has for the most part been how we've been in touch. A three hour time difference out west is perfect for a goodnight message and an I love you before bed. Staying in touch with the one son closer to home and in the same time zone, texting has been ideal, with his vampire lifestyle and  late night college life it makes it perfect to not be intrusive but just to connect once in a while. This too has become routine.

I do talk to the guys once in a while, but our communication is mainly done in this manner. It seems to work best for them and with all of the technology and ease of communication it has become the normal means for us. It's okay, but I miss their voices. There is nothing more reassuring then to hear the voices of the ones you love that somehow just makes everything alright. 

Reading that text during this random morning made me realize how much not hearing them call me "mom" has also been a loss of sorts. After identifying with that name and role for 24 years I didn't just magically become Denice overnight. 

Being a mom is more apart of who I am then who I am, if that makes any sense at all. Hubby doesn't call me "wife" or "spouse", although when he tries it's received with selective hearing loss of course until the endearing names take their place...Honey, Sweetie, Baby.. Ooozing with 28 years of marital sappiness. Lol..

So what does all of this mean? Who knows, but what I do know is that for me, not hearing their voices has never becomes routine and even via a text message the sound of theirs is still in my ears. 

I love you too!