Unraveling

The older I seem to get the more I have noticed that I am in good company, especially when I am alone.

We are all so different. That is such an anomaly to me at this transformative time in my life. My history of sameness was cultural, and not causing a ruckus was the goal. Safety in numbers I suppose. Growing up in a large family, the youngest in a troop of six kids, a gazillion nieces, nephews, aunties, uncles, partners and such, we had quite a throbbing lot of deep familial sameness. We came from that space, all of us. But we were not the same.

The past few years I've re-birthed myself in a way, raised my family, refeathered my empty nest, I have discovered that although I love and cherish each and every one of my "people".. I am not them and they are not me. WE are not collective or carbon copies of each other. We are all beautifully unique and incredible individuals. Who knew?!!

Coming from New England.. Maine specifically. We locals are "a rigid and stuffy lot" some might say. Ha! It's not always easy to break in to the tribes that have lived here forever and whose roots run deep below the ledges of the islands in my midcoast home town. We run thick with family ties, deep connection and generations of tough love and belonging. But we still are not all the same. Even when we belong.

Personally, I have always felt different from the whole. Not in any special kind of way, or not the milk man of olds bastard child, but just different. Unique maybe?  That seems like a better word. "Different" used to feel like something that you should avoid, something that you wanted nothing to do with. Don't call attention to yourself, unless you are called to attention.. Now, that's a whole other blog post. Lol.

Today approaching 50 I want nothing more then to be different. Separate. Unhinged. Independent of whatever it is that keeps me the same as..  Set apart. Myself. Understood. Heard. Sounds like I want a divorce! Ha.. Hardly.. But it might feel like that to my patient 30 year husband that has been helping me sort this all out for the last couple of years since all three boys flew the coop.

It has been a process. One that I have found is easier said then done, especially when you weren't even a whole self right from the beginning, and when you have been woven deeply into an enmeshed and intricate design of a life already lived, it gets tricky.

So in this, I am finding that sometimes I pull hard on an old thread from one direction and it tightens in the opposite.. unraveling in all of the wrong ways and I am left with a bound up mess that leaves me frustrated and angry. Other times it slips out ever so gently with no effort at all and is a welcome relief.

A simple analogy I guess... one most can relate to in some way or other at some time in their lives.  I don't want to unravel completely, that would be scary and is not my intention here. But what I do know is that I have to listen to that deeply forged desire within me. That still small voice that tugs at my heart and the more I am in my own company I find I'm getting glimpses of her.

In the silence and breath of the morning, she rises and stands all by herself, raising her hand and says. Me Too!

In Love~ Denice