Cleaner Living

Everyday is a brand new beginning right.. I pray so. The empty Oreo cookie package in the waste basket from the night before or the last few nights in a row that it took to polish them off is evidence that I am not trying to hide anything but, as always it is a blaring component of my need to fill something other then my belly from time to time. Sweet? Salty? Boozy? Comforting? Calming? I'm not sure when I came to the understanding that substances other then just myself were a "fix it" for my emotional wellness and how it came to have such an impact on my everyday life from a very young age.

I think we learn what we live, or at least I did, some things took a few rounds to get it, but there it was in the end. There was a lot of thumping and bumping through life, learning as you go kind of lessons, model what you see more so then any philosophies.. and became kind of the gist of my eclectic, self medication tactics. I know I am not alone here..

Garden variety was a term I heard once at a support meeting describing people like me years ago. I had never heard that term before. I liked the garden part. Flowers. Blooming. Propagation. Color... The variety piece was appealing as well. Variety is the spice of life right? Keeps things interesting to have varied interests, maybe not dozens and dozens, but variety could only be beneficial was my way of thinking.

Well, in the best case scenario maybe, but with a cellular predisposition to wander, inattention and a distracted make up with a propensity to obsessive natures and not having any innate understanding of which direction was right or wrong, accepted or desired, a "Garden Variety" personality such as myself ended up being a perfect recipe for a Hot Mess Soup.. and one that I made often.

Most of the lessons I learned in my life have come from personal experiences. Good, bad, embarrassing, fearful, spiritual, dangerous, exciting, creative, hysterical, in a fun way of course. :) They all came when they came and it wasn't until after the fact when I had some perspective and I would say...
Damn.... That was a little sketchy, or Man..... I don't think I'll ever do that again, or Awesome!!!... I want to do that for the rest of my life... I know I'm not alone here either.. Lol..

Anyway, reflecting a bit now in my older years, I don't remember ever choosing to do something that I researched, investigated all of the scenarios, knew all of the facts, accessed the risk factors FIRST..  AND THEN..  made a choice to move forward.  Anything that I ever was passionate about and wanted to discover fully, seemed to choose me and when that happened I was ALL IN!  I was never one to "Seek Wise Counsel"... and then proceed with caution. I was a touch the wood stove kind of girl and figured out pretty quick most times that doing one thing or another was either good or not good in my own personal Book of Wisdom and moved forward or backward from there. Which may explain my abundance of scars, unfinished projects and creative endeavors.

To end.. With all of this nuttiness going on in our world, routines, lives, physical and mental health turned upside down and side ways what was the best way for me to channel some of that and take care of myself?  The other day a very wise, young person shared with me her thoughts and it was to "first, do no harm". As simple as that. Hippocrates in his finest hour. Brilliant!!

So today, I'll take a step out or over the hard stuff however I can manage and cause the least amount of harm to myself or others and then move on from there.
No shame here. No big rules or inner~judgey eye rolls.. Just another 24 hours to make it less harmful, and kinder, for myself and then to anyone close enough to share it with, 6 feet apart of course.

Cheers,

Denice

Find Courage in Your Dreams

I woke up this morning from a dream where I was in a small boat with one of my sisters.. The waters were rushing all around us, it felt like a river but was leading to the ocean, so I'm not truly sure of where we were. The boat was taking on water fast and before we really knew what was going on or what level of danger we were in, it was too late and the water began to rush even faster around us.
The orrs fell out and the rope that was meant to tie off at the bow caught up around my sister and she was pulled under as the boat began to sink. Panic stuck and the fear gave me strength that I never knew I had. I was able to hold onto the boat with one hand, grab a leaning tree branch with the other and with my body hanging in the middle pull the boat toward me to the embankment of the river, all the while my sister was under water tied to the sinking boat...

Scary to wake up like that.. After clearing my head and thinking about some of the drifting away dream I could see the pieces of it all and where my subconscious was drawing all of it's drama from.

Instead of feeling a daunting cloud of doom and vowing to never again get in a boat, on a river, with my sister... I thought about courage. The courage that it took for her to trust me in our dream together. That although she was destined to drown in what was happening in that moment she let go and relaxed and let me help her.

The courage that it takes to let go of something that you have no control over is incredible. To be able to trust something bigger then ourselves, even if you feel you haven't got a choice in the matter, when it all comes at you so fast that you can't do anything but trust. That takes amazing courage!

As the dream filtered out and my mind came back to the new day ahead I was relieved to say the least that we had come along side the shore, she had a grasp on the roots beneath the surface and was able to start pulling herself back up above the rushing water as I held tight to our tree of life and the boat.

Together our strength increased and we were safe once again.

Life is like that sometimes. Rushing, scary, full of anxiety and uncertainty. Living today does take great courage on so many levels and I am so relieved to not have to walk alone. Our course and strength does come from within, a higher power navigational system that we all have access to, however you believe it to be sourced from. Allowing that power to work through us is our job as well as to be fearless! What a wild adventure it will be.